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To which we would respond with equal shock and surprise, “oh we heard that the baby was born with Down syndrome however we were not aware that the baby was sick. What is it that the baby has?”

Our objective at every stage of our contacts and visitations is to elicit some form of an cognitive or affective response. But a genuine response.

To challenge the normal logical or emotional responses is to bring out the actual feelings that the family is trying so desperately to hide from themselves and the world.

By coming into the hospital and treating the situation with a small sense of normalcy creates an atmosphere of initial anger seasoned with some immediate frustration and topped off with an awareness that there may be another way of perceiving this entire matter that they may not yet have been examined.

However, the need to maintain dignity and etiquette and to rely upon social mores prevents them from outright taking out all of their pent up anger and frustration on a complete stranger. None the less the thought does go through their minds as we have discovered from many post facto families with whom we have reviewed this all over the years and who have confirmed this to us.

Some of the usual excuses that new parents will use are as unique and creative (for excusing themselves from a lifetime of raising and including this child in their families) as they are illogical and without merit. Thus we begin a discussion based upon two negatives which ultimately will, with Hashem’s help, lead to a positive outcome.

One of the more common rationalizations is in the form of the parents asking isn’t this child going to take away from our other children? Well that of course could not be further from the truth.

It’s true. Just look at the sibling(s) of a child with Down syndrome or any syndrome for that matter, they are the most chesed filled children and adults on the planet. That is to say that they are the ones who feel comfortable around a person in a wheel chair or who will sit beside another child who is not accepted by the other children and they will have the most compassion while doing so.

But perhaps that’s still not enough reason to keep a child. Okay how about if there are so many children in the family? What then do the parents say? “Well we cannot take this baby because we have so many children and we won’t have time to devote to this child the answer is also quite straight forward. You have a built in infant stimulation program. The other children do not share the fears and biases that you do. And if per chance they do have these learned responses then it is a learned behavior and one that is easily overcome.

When a parent looks me squarely and sincerely in the eye and says that they are thinking of giving away this baby and can I help, I have often made the following offer.

“I think this can be arranged almost immediately however there is one thing that will help us make this placement a little easier for everyone.” After a long they will usually respond with something positive like, “certainly what is it?”

Now here is where things can and do usually get a bit more complicated. I will continue with my counter proposal by inquiring as to how many children it is that they have that makes keeping this one so difficult. After hearing the answer the next question is how old is the last child you had prior to this one.

Next I offer them the deal of a lifetime, one that has never been accepted and one that begins to bring everything rapidly into perspective.

“Look,” I offer, ” I can see that you’re having a very difficult time here and I think that I can help alleviate many of these problems for you. First I will take this baby and find a home for him/her however, in order to sweeten the deal or to make this a much more desirable offer I would like to propose to this new family that we will give them this child and as well let’s offer them the last child you had just prior to this one, also. “You see,” I will continue as delighted as possible with my idea, “by doing this we will accomplish two things. First we will find a home much faster and secondly we will have eliminated some of the excess of children that you feel you are suffering with around the house.”

Now it is quite obvious that no one is going to go for this offer of mine and in fact as soon as these parents will finish processing this totally unexpected offer they will usually become angry or pained. Either way we are now all winners. Why, you ask yourself?

Well that’s relatively simple if we will examine this offer.

Firstly the family is telling me that they do not have the room or the ability to take this baby home. They claim that this is due to the size of the family and the restrictions of time, space, etc.

Secondly for the first time these parents are being told in no uncertain terms that this is a baby and a human being in someone’s eyes and that to give this baby away is to deny all of those same qualities that this child posses as any other child in the family may have.

And finally no matter what the reaction we will now know that we will be discussing what is actually taking place and we will no longer be avoiding and denying.

People who are in the throws of a stress filled moment are trying desperately to hang on to some level of social grace in the face of preparing to completely abandon their offspring and they need to be shocked out of that slumber if there is to be a chance to remain whole.

In the coming posts we will explore some of the other excuses and our responses that allow for exploration to seek out the real significance of the moment.

Many of the families will have had an opportunity to discuss our answers with rabbonim who are relied upon to always advise against keeping a special needs child.

I am not interested in getting into a conflict with gadolei Yisroel who by their own admission are trying to accommodate these families as they always have however if we can anticipate their reasons and rationalizations then we can repond with insightful and powerful answers.

Our job then is to awaken a family with parity by offering the “voice of the child” to do the right thing before they regret their decision for a lifetime.